The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
