I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
