Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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