She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
