They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
