I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Never underestimate the power of titties
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
