in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
