Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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