It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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