He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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