if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
