the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
