Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
