I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
