I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
