i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
