I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Drunk is not a location!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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