We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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