i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
