Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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