I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
