Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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