She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
