Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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