Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
