I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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