if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
