my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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