Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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