Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
