i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
