i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
