In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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