you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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