My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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