It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
