clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
