I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
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