you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
