These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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