he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
