Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
