Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
