totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize