omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize