I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
