mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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