Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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