I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
