if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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