Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
