At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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