It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
