The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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