3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize