I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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