We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
