I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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