There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
